January 3, 2005 It's after midnight and I just popped some Vivarin. Last night I couldn't go to sleep no matter what. I sat in bed staring at the ceiling listening to the rain until at least 8:30 this morning... at least that's the last time I looked at the clock. Then I woke up at 11:00 to get ready for work. There's no reason I shouldn't have been able to sleep last night. It wasn't like I had slept all day or anything. It's just that my mind was spinning a million miles an hour about everything under the sun. Mostly about money of course. And when I think about money I think about my job. Everything else about my life couldn't be better. And I really do like my job. I'm good at it, it's pretty laid back and it's paying my bills. I just don't feel like I'm getting what I should out of it and I don't feel very secure in it. I feel like every day could be my last. Sometimes I want it to be. This is the longest I've ever worked the same job. Normally I get very bored and restless and it's always been very refreshing to quit and just see what happens next. I can't imagine doing that at this point though. Even though I know I don't get paid enough for what I do, I DO make enough to cover my bills which are quite large because of all the debt I've accumulated over the years. I most likely could not jump right into another job that would cover these bills and I'd be right back to square one in taking care of my debt. And taking care of my debt is my MAIN goal at this moment. I should just make a list of my money related problems...

I have a shitty car that is on it's last leg.
I have inadequate camera equipment to make a living with if I needed to.
I have absolutely no lighting equipment to speak of.
If ANYTHING(computer, camera, car, etc.) were to break I'd have no way to replace it.
I owe approx. $25,000. If I miss any of those payments I'm back into collections with them.
I haven't been home to see my parents in over 2 years and I can't really afford to go back.
It takes money to make money!

I'm sure there are more. I just have blocked them out of my mind at the moment. Too much thinking about it all last night when I couldn't sleep.

So that brings me back to the moment. I'm sitting here popping caffeine pills so I can stay up all night to get a web site done for a friend who I told I would have it finished already. The problem is... I'm no good at this shit! I absolutely SUCK at making something from nothing and nothing is about all I have to go on for this site. All of these photos on my site are of things that already existed in my little world. I just took the time to notice them and point a camera at them or maybe light them a certain way or whatever. I think I'm a million times more observant than I am creative.

So I'm procrastinating. In fact I've taken procrastination to a whole new level on this one I believe. I just spent an hour writing this. YES... it takes me that long to write a few paragraphs. I can talk up a storm but when it comes to writing stuff down it won't come out. And before writing this I spent close to an hour photographing my slinky.

Now... what about that web site?